Oh gosh, I’m almost at a loss as to what to say this week. I’m still pregnant, and still feeling surprisingly well.
I had my midwife appointment on Wednesday where we again discussed what my options are for helping this baby come out sooner rather than later. Even at 41 weeks my body and my baby are still well within their appropriate time frame for going into labour and birthing, so I have kept that in my mind as I work through everything. I feel like I’ve gone through every thought imaginable – from wanting to book in for an IMMEDIATE induction, to not wanting to ever be induced and let it come in its sweet time. I guess rationally I thought it through and I am taking a fairly middle road, but that doesn’t stop me from swaying to either side emotionally.
If I were to break it down into the follow categories this is how I have been going this week:
Physically - Pretty darn good. I mean, I’m uncomfortable, peeing is an effort, sleeping is an effort, parenting is an effort, and smells are an effort. Other than that, I still have a surprising to pick up Lior with normal effort, to squat and bend down as need be, to jump even! So I really can’t complain. I am not having to spend my days on the couch or anything like that really, even though I really badly want to some days.
The only not so positive part of this week physically is the increase in braxton hicks, and what can only be described as labour that doesn’t go anywhere. I know the sceptics will say it’s not real labour, but trust me. I’ve been in labour before. For a really fricken long time actually, and I remember it rather vividly still. This has been labour pain. The kind you have to breath through. The kind you find yourself wondering where a really fricken big knife is so you can slice yourself in two and be rid of your lower half that causes you so much pain. The kind where you need heat packs, and people pressing on your hips, and no position is even remotely comfortable. The kind of pain that comes in waves, and you feel fairly fine inbetween those waves. So for that labour pain to NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING is really frustrating, because it makes me super tired, and also leads into the emotion part…
Emotionally - Emotionally I am all over the place. I’ve had to do a lot of processing this week. Breaking into a new month – December is a bit of a psychological barrier I had to accept, but once I did that I’ve been fairly good. Certainly when the physical discomforts build up I go to a place of “GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME”, and when those labour pains die down I just lay and there and think awful swear words and cry and wish I didn’t have to do this anymore.
But on the other hand, in day to day life, I have resigned myself to being pregnant, and to probably needing some sort of intervention. I look forward to the birth of my baby, and I wonder each day if today is the day, but when you’ve been disappointed every day for the last 5 weeks it’s hard to really belief yourself when you say this might be it. But yeah, generally I don’t care so much that I’m still pregnant – though at the time of writing this post I DO care, so it’s probably not coming across like I don’t care much…
Emotionally I’m a constant roller-coaster ride about how my baby will be born. It is disheartening when the things you are trying don’t work, and hard to stay positive that the next thing you try will work.
Intellectually - From this perspective, things are fine. I KNOW the due dates are just estimates. I KNOW that they hold little weight. I KNOW that they are just the middle date in an entire month where it is appropriate to give birth. I KNOW that it is common for women to go over 40 weeks. I KNOW that there are quite a few different factors that contribute to going over 40 weeks, some we don’t fully understand and haven’t researched properly yet. I KNOW a lot of things about pregnancy and childbirth, and I do a lot of research. From an intellectual perspective I know that my emotions are a bit crazy and influenced by my hormones, and I know that I am validated in having those emotions too. I also know that my baby will come when it and my body are both ready. It is my responsibility to respect that sacred space of pregnancy and childbirth, and treat it with the care and respect that such a miraculous activity deserves. It’s my responsibility to research and be aware of ALL my options, which is what I have been doing. And then it is my responsibility to decide what options I want to take, and at what time. I have an appointment with a doctor at the hospital on Monday where I can ask the last of my questions, and get the ‘tests’ I need to make my informed decisions. For now I have made plans for each possible scenario!
For the record, this week I have been trying natural induction methods. I wanted to write a whole blog post about why I have decided to use some of them, as I really wasn’t sure if even natural induction methods aligned with what I believe about childbirth. After researching them I have decided that these natural induction methods are safe to do once full term, and won’t FORCE my body into labour before it is ready, it will just help prepare it, and if my body needs something straightened out a little bit, then these will help.
So I’ve tried accupressure, nipple stimulation (I even offered Lior a breastfeed again, but he looked at me like I was totally mad), going to the chiropractor, walking, walking up hills, rebozo, Myofascial Release, and more. It’s been a busy week!